I have been pregnant twice in my life. Both times have been pretty unbelievable, really. But the journey of pregnancy and motherhood is a wild ride. There are many plot twists, roller coaster drops, and unexpected paths that are crossed. I never could have imagined this journey and how being pregnant or raising children can truly impact who we become.
Every individual has a different experience and no story is greater than another. Some are euphoric and others challenging. I am sharing this with you to let you know you are not alone. Your voice matters. Your experience counts.
In just two short years I have carried two babies in my body. I have been one of the lucky ones to be able to get pregnant with little effort. I am aware that this is a gift and I am ever so grateful for that. But that doesn't mean it has been an easy ride for me and my family. In fact, it has been one of the bumpiest pothole filled roads that I have ever been on in my life.
My first child was conceived on the 1st try. I couldn’t believe it when I saw that pregnancy test come back positive. It was planned, and we “thought” we were ready. But we weren’t ready for the unknowns that we were about to face along the way.
We weren’t ready for the news that I needed to be on bed rest because I had complete placenta previa. We weren't ready for early onset of labor starting at 25 weeks. We weren’t ready to be hospitalized twice before baby was born for bleeding and complications. We weren't ready for my water to break at 29 weeks. We weren't ready for an emergency c-section because baby’s heart rate dropped, and she was breech, and with complete placenta previa it’s not safe to go into labor. Baby came way before we were ready. We were NOT ready to spend the next 60 days in the hospital because we had a premature baby.
But we were ready to welcome her in to our world with loving arms. We were ready to be parents and decided we were ready to take on whatever was thrown our way. And we did it together. We were ready to welcome our 2 lb. 13 oz baby, and be with her as she grew in the hospital. We were ready to be a family.
It was a challenge. It was heartbreaking and terrifying. But we now have a healthy two year old child who is thriving and growing and loving life! She loves to read, play outside, dance, watch football games, do yoga, help clean the house, toast at every meal, and discover the world around her. She is a blessing. She is a gift. The journey of her entering our world and what it took to get her here was worth it all.
Twenty seven months after the birth of our daughter we found out we were pregnant. SURPRISE! It was an instant spiral of emotion. I was finally healing and moving forward from the trauma of being pregnant the first time. I wasn’t ready to carry another life inside… What if I had to go through all of that again?! Then the overwhelming sense of joy and peace. Visions of our family growing, a sibling for our daughter, the love was multiplying. We were ready and so excited!
At the end of that week, I started spotting. “Oh Fuck”, is what rolled through my head. “Placenta previa, again?! Awesome…” I just waited it out and tried not to panic. It was way to early to worry about anything because baby was only 6 weeks. And why worry anyway? It does no good. But then I started cramping, and the pains were intensifying, and the blood was heavier. I called the nurse and she had me come in to take a pregnancy test. I scheduled another one for two days later to make sure my hormone levels were rising. My test was positive, but I knew something wasn’t right. I am in tune with my body, and listen to the signs. I thought I was beginning to miscarry my baby. I just kept breathing through the intense lower back pain, cramping, and sharp pain that would come and go. I am not one to take pain medication, but decided I really needed some. So with the Tylenol, the pain subsided. I went to sleep hoping that this would all go away.
The next morning the pain was getting much worse. I was actually having such intense pain in my right side that I physically couldn’t stand up straight. I was crawling on the ground pretending to be an animal so my toddler wouldn’t think anything was wrong. I called my nurse and two hours later I was in the doctors office getting an ultra sound to see what was happening.
At first they found nothing. But when they did the ultra sound vaginally, the feeling in the room instantly changed and the technician was quiet. I could see my baby! I could see baby moving on the live photos. I asked her “What part of the anatomy are you taking a picture of right now?” and she said “that is your Fallopian Tube.”
My heart dropped. My stomach flipped. I knew this was not good.
The doctor came in, took a quick look and said. “what we are seeing here is an ectopic pregnancy. Your baby has implanted in the right Fallopian Tube and it has ruptured. You are internally bleeding and need to head directly to Abbott Emergency Room for an emergency surgery. Dr. Herring is waiting for you.”
WHAT??!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
My Husband and daughter were there with me. I held them and cried. So grateful for them and so terrified… again. Another emergency surgery due to being pregnant? My life is in danger again? My baby isn’t going to live this time? NO, FUCK THIS! This isn’t fair! Pregnancies are supposed to be natural and healthy and normal. Why am I about to lay on another operating table due to bleeding complications while pregnant? And these two situations are totally not related? This can’t be happening…
Only a couple of people knew we were pregnant. We weren’t going to tell anyone for weeks, and now we needed to call our family and tell them I am going into an emergency surgery? Who was going to be with our daughter? Did we catch this in time to keep me safe? My husband has to see his wife go through this again? I mean, come on! This is way to much emotion and heart ache in one week.
The questions just kept coming, but very few answers given. The one beautiful answer was that I was okay. I went into the hospital just in time. I will never know many of the answers to why any of this happened, both the first time or the second time. One of the hardest parts for me was seeing my baby on the ultra sound before the surgery. Because I knew when I would wake up after the procedure, my baby would be gone. All I could do was breathe, relax, and trust. The only comfort I had at that moment was knowing it was Dr. Herring doing the surgery. He was the doctor that delivered my daughter. He has done this before, he successfully kept me safe one time and he could do it again. He remembered me from last time and even asked how my baby was doing. He couldn't believe that over two years had already gone by. Funny how things work out sometimes…
As a musician, I have written a few lullabies. Weeks after the loss of my first baby, I was rocking my toddler to sleep. Every night before bed I sing her a song and she asked me to sing her “Little Darling” which is one of my lullabies. As I rocked her to sleep and sang the song, she sang the entire song with me. It was a powerful healing moment. Holding this miracle in my arms and holding a child in my heart at the same time. I wept in grief and joy. So deep, words don’t describe. The gratitude felt for the blessings in my life as well as the loss of a child I have never met is profound.
Motherhood is a journey. Whether we yearn for it and wait patiently to have the children you dream of, or have adult children and reflect on the past. No matter where you are on the path, it is a heavy load to carry and only the strength and love of a mothers heart can bare it.
I have found that surrounding my self with positivity, leaning on supportive loved ones, and diving into activities that interest me keep me afloat. Along with deep breathes, quiet meditation time, fresh air, and a glass (bottle) of wine!
When we experience heart wrenching situations, we move forward one step at a time with more strength, more wisdom, and a bigger heart. We try and honor the grief and loss all while holding onto the gifts we currently have. We find balance. We trust. We grow. And we connect with others who are riding along on this expedition of motherhood.
P.S. I find that humor, even if it is dark, is a healing tool. So, I wrote a “joke” about my womb:
My womb must be a terrifying place to be. One baby wanted out way too soon, and the other would NOT go in there. It must be a womb with no windows. (bwahahahaha)
P.S.S. But really, our wombs are a wonderful gift and full of love!
