The Aging Goddess Tree

I have been reflecting on the goodness in my life.  Clean drinking water, a warm bed,  jobs I love, a ridiculously amazing community and circle of loved ones, yoga, chapstick, bourbon, and the list goes on.  I am beyond blessed and I wish health and happiness for all... truly.  I could think about the "if only's" and "what if's" in my life, but I have learned that thinking that way gets me no where. Putting my energy into the present and where my path is leading me is much more rewarding.

If you would have asked me when I was a teenager what I thought my life would be like in my 30's, I never would imagined THIS. I thought I would marry young, live in a house full of kids with a house I owned while teaching in an elementary school. The "steps to adulthood" as our society lays it out for us.  You know: college, career, married, house, kids, etc...  Boy, am I glad that is not the life patterned that I followed.  It just wasn't for me.  The life I live is beyond what I could have imagined.

In my early 20's I became more present to the realities of who I am. I have always been comfortable in my own skin, but something clicked, and I really became alive.  I realized I wanted to do things my own way, no matter how it unfolded. My own speed traveling on my own path. Following my own gut and my own heart. Making concious decisions to create my own true self. Years later that still works for me.  Years later life is good. Better then I could have dreamed of, really.

And now I am about to turn 35. THIRTY FIVE.  One moment that feels so young, and the next I can't believe 35 years of my life have been lived.  I am dancing in my energetic years as bits of old age tease me.  I dig through the filing cabinet of my memories as I build new bookshelves for all unwritten stories that lay ahead.  I am nearing the middle of my life... or have I already passed it? It is such an odd but beautiful place to be.  At times I am coasting and cruising, and other times swerving and breaking. Either way, I grow. I age.  I am.

A poem for my 35th birthday...

The Aging Goddess Tree 

And it hit me 

 Suddenly 

but slowly

As though the egg of life cracked against my heart

 and the aging yolk oozed smoothly down my body

My heart beating fast as my body grew heavy and warm and numb

Time froze

  I sat there cradling my toddler as she fell asleep in my arms

 So peaceful

so calming 

 So present

 My monkey mind raced through the tree of life jumping from branch to branch 

Unknown ideas of the future swirling around like wind

Memories falling like the leaves release from the trees

images stacking on top of each other like snowflakes grip to twigs

Its amazing

really

 how many types of weather we bear in a single day

 my roots dig deep

ground me

connect me

nurture me

branches break, leaves rip, bark tears

I am weathered

but I am planted
I've been torn, cracked, fragile

but new life stirs inside

It is true

the days are long but the years are short

i see it

i feel it

i live it

i grow with it

as gracefully as i can

with strength from my roots

and new energy from my branches

i dig deep into the soil of my ancestors

I dig deeper into the soil of my aging self 

I reach for all the beauty that surrounds me

i hold the gifts that the world  has given to me 

and one day I will pass it all on and give it all back 

with love, with wisdom, with dignity, with power

as new seeds are creatively planted and nurtured to spread in divine union

No One Ever Told Me THAT Would Be Added To My Parenting Resume...

Pregnancy. Labor. Delivery. Beautiful baby.  And then...PaReNtHoOd.

This is for those of you in it.  This is for those of you who have been there.  This is for all the parents;  that moment when you say to yourself "no one ever told me it would be like this."

We read the books, skim articles, and attend classes to prepare.  Our parents, family, and friends with babies tell us how it is. But let's be honest.  All of the nitty, gritty, and personal shit we deal with as parents is figured out in the heat of the moment. We acquire skills we didn't know we had.  We live.  We grow.  We become fully capable of almost any job because we are loaded with experiences and our resume is STACKED with expertise!

Here is a list of the skills, strengths, and credentials that you acquire in this career as a parent!

1.  Congratulations, you are entertainer of the year!  You could be the new ringmaster of the Cirque Du Soleil, Beyonce's new choreographer, or Taylor Swifts song writer.  I mean, you are basically doing acrobatics and juggling life throughout the day.  You are bouncing around to new dance routines to get baby to sleep.  And new melodies pop in your head on the spot to get your kids to smile.  You should be nominated for a grammy for the lyrics you just whipped together about bath and pajama time.  Too bad your number one fan is that little bundle in your arms and can't call the big wigs to recommend you for the job.  You SHOULD receive the award.

2.  You are now the Chief Executive Officer of Household.  You are ultimately responsible for day-to-day management decisions and implementing long and short term plans.  You build the culture in your company and provide the resources for success.  You own a vision, set the goals, and you lead your team.  Congrats on your hard work, CEO!

3.  Ninja Warrior. How many times of have had to quietly sneak out of your sleeping childs room configuring your body in uncomfortable positions so you don't wake them up?!  That's what I thought!  You are stealth on your feet,  you would fight for your child if in danger, and you learn how to guide/discipline/teach your child with words rather than violent alternatives.  Do you master self control in moments when you didn't think you could before children entered your world?! You are a ninja!

4. Welcome to the life of a detective. You interrogate your suspects and interview your witnesses based on the evidence before you. When was the last time you pooped? Who ate the last slice of pizza?  How did the lamp break? Where on earth are the toddlers shoes? What time did you actually go to bed? How did my cell phone end up in the toilet? You are solving mysteries and investigating situations all. day. long.

5.  Mixologist at your finest. If you are a nursing mother, you are serving your child the most fresh and delicious cocktail straight out of the tap!  Your body is making one hell of a drink.  Non nursing mothers and fathers and other care takers know the perfect proportions of formula to the temperature of the liquid for the perfect beverage.  They know how long to shake it and how to serve it perfectly for the liking of the consumer.  All parents know how to mix and muddle and stir and serve all while presenting it with love... and then they top it off with a night cap for themselves to enjoy.

(Since resume's should not be longer than two pages max, i better stop here.   However, I believe a parents resume could fit into the Guinness Book of World Records.)

Just know this parents:  Your hard work is seen, it is felt, it is recognized. It may not seem like to now, but all of your time and energy spent at this job will pay off.  Keep up the good work. Each day you add another profession to the list. What will it be tomorrow?!  I just wish I could add professional sleeper to the record...

Trippin' With Toddlers: On the Road and Over My Words

"Did that just really happen?!"  That was the first question I asked myself when I woke up in my own bed (the first morning I was home) after embarking on a 24 day road trip out west with my husband and 22 month old daughter.  I don't know if I was expecting to open my eyes in my tent or in the van, but I was home, and "business as usual" was already in full force.  As I jumped back in to work, my lovely co-workers and friends were asking what any thoughtful human would ask... "How was your vacation?"  How do I answer that in one short phrase?  I just drove across our country breathing in mountain air, dipping my toes in the ocean, and hiking trails that had waterfalls waiting at the end.  We biked on famous bridges, hugged redwood trees, and spent time with family and friends. So I answered... "It was an incredible trip."  TRIP.  NOT a vacation...

I guess my idea of a vacation is laying on a beach drinking a cocktail, or reading a book in a hammock in the woods.  Vacation reminds me of rest and relaxation.  Driving 6,700 miles and 120 + hours in the car with a toddler isn't exactly a vacation.  Setting up camp, cooking, cleaning, dishes, packing up camp, and moving to the next location ins't exactly restful with a toddler.  But someone asked me another question that brought a little more meaning to this whole experience.  " Would you do it again tomorrow?"  My Response?!  "No, but I would next week!  I need some time on my couch."  

I think I am still wonderfully exhausted.  Life on the road is quite the trip! New scenery every couple of days.  New faces, elevations, food, trails, cities and experiences.   Before we left, a few people couldn't believe we were about to take a cross country road trip with a toddler.  "What about her routine?  What will you do in the car?  How will she do camping in a tent?"  These were just a few of the dozen concerning questions I got asked when telling people what we were about to do.

Honestly, the best part for us was getting out of a routine and moving to our own beat.  Creating a rythym as a family.  Seeing each other in a different light, different setting, and a different schedule as we followed the setting sun each day.  

It was an incredible trip. Partly because of watching our daughter grow and learn along the way.  She learned about new landforms, animals, plants, and wild berries.  She played in streams, rivers, waterfalls and the ocean.  She hiked and biked and camped.  She LOVED the hammock!   As far as the car goes, we had bins of books, play-doh, stickers, coloring materials, toys with batteries, puzzles, magnets, music, pipe cleaners, a dozen car activities... and some technology as a last resort.  It all made the time in the car go by much smoother with all of that planning. 

It was also slightly trying for us all.  It was not ALL fabulous (mostly fabulous).  She had moments of boredom.  She had nights of teething.  The change of her routine took some adjusting.  She threw a tantrum.  She woke the neighbors in the middle of the night while camping in Yosemite.  I had my moments of anxiety and exhaustion... partly from her neediness.  

BUT,  those challenges would have happened at home or on the road.  Changes in routine come up all the time in life.  Toddlers grow teeth.  Moms' have moments of worry. Why would I let those frustrating normalities stop us from hitting the road?  exactly... I didn't.  We just did it. And it was worth all of the hard work.... before, during, and after.

If you are  questioning a trip with your children, I highly encourage you to do it!  It doesn't have to be an extravagant event for your children and family to experience the beauty of this earth. Take a camping trip down the road.  Spend a day hiking or biking just outside of your town.  Start where you are comfortable and go for it.  You might surprise yourself... your kids might surprise you too.  Let go of the usual routine and find a new flow as a family for a bit. You'll grow.

  It's worth it!

Parenting is like Rafting the Grand Canyon

Have you ever taken advice from a river?  Well, if not, you should...

The summer of 2011 presented itself with an opportunity of a lifetime. I was about to raft the Grand Canyon!  I was a little hesitant, but my adventurous spirit was ready for it even though my mind wasn't fully prepared.  I didn't REALLY plan for this, but I went along for the ride with an open mind and a willingness to do whatever was needed along the way. Sure, I read a couple of books, checked out websites, and actively communicated with our group before we set sail.  But I didn't realize what I was getting into until I was on the river.  (I am still not sure I have fully processed that... I mean, it was the Grand Canyon.)  It took fifteen years to get a private permit to do a self guided trip down the river.  The original crew had it in the works for a long time. I was gratefully added on a couple years before the trip was scheduled.  My boyfriends family lovingly invited me along.  And so, I rafted the Grand Canyon for one week in August, and hiked out of the canyon from the river to the top! 

I did it.  But not alone.  I survived, and let me tell you, there was a second when I wasn't sure I would.  I lived in the moment. I embraced what was around me.  All of it.  The beauty, the terror, the energy, the peace, the journey, the everything.    

Looking over the Grand Canyon at Unkar Delta

A few years later, here I am.  Reflecting on where I was, where I am, and all in between.  As I write, I hear the voice of my sweet little daughter saying "mama, mama" eagerly wanting to show me her book.  I am a parent now.  At times I still can't believe it, but I am doing it.

While I was rafting, I remember wondering if my boyfriend (now husband) and I would ever be parents.  I wondered if we would share this marvelous and fascinating national park with a child.   Now that motherhood is in full swing, I can honestly compare this parenting gig to rafting the Grand Canyon.  

It's a wonder. There are moments when my breath has been taken away.  There are times that I have been terrified, for my life, and for others around me. I've experienced the most serene moments on the river and as a mother.  I have found strength and courage I didn't know existed before these events occurred.  These two adventures have undoubtedly allowed me to live in the moment, because that is all that matters.  

There is a connection, a bond that is felt rafting that mother-of-a-canyon, as well as mothering a child. 

I have flipped.  What parent hasn't lost it from time to time?  But really,  our raft flipped in one of the biggest rapids on the Colorado River.  (That is a whole other story in itself.)  But, we just pick up the pieces, pull ourselves together, and continue on the journey. 

Hance Rapid: scouting the rapid moments before we flipped... right there!

You can prepare, read, discuss, map out, and plan, but until you are living it, you don't really know what to expect.  (Even then, we still don't know. We just do it.) It takes a crew, a team, or a support system to make it from one point to the next.  We need our village to share in all the ups and downs, stillness and chaos, excitement and questions, and encouragement along the way. 

Needless to say, parenting to me feels like rafting through this immense, intense, magnificent, and natural beautiful wonder of the world. 

It reminds me to take advice from a river while rafting through this parenting pilgrimage:

-go with the flow: the water can change at any moment, around any corner. 

-immerse yourself in nature: soak up your surroundings.

-slow down and meander: enjoy the ride.

-go around the obstacles: if you can't go around, hit them head on with all you've got and hope for the best.

-be thoughtful of those downstream: be mindful of the mark you make for the next generation.

-stay current: be present.

-the beauty is in the journey: yes it is!

Bright Angel Trail: half way to the top of the canyon!