The Aging Goddess Tree

I have been reflecting on the goodness in my life.  Clean drinking water, a warm bed,  jobs I love, a ridiculously amazing community and circle of loved ones, yoga, chapstick, bourbon, and the list goes on.  I am beyond blessed and I wish health and happiness for all... truly.  I could think about the "if only's" and "what if's" in my life, but I have learned that thinking that way gets me no where. Putting my energy into the present and where my path is leading me is much more rewarding.

If you would have asked me when I was a teenager what I thought my life would be like in my 30's, I never would imagined THIS. I thought I would marry young, live in a house full of kids with a house I owned while teaching in an elementary school. The "steps to adulthood" as our society lays it out for us.  You know: college, career, married, house, kids, etc...  Boy, am I glad that is not the life patterned that I followed.  It just wasn't for me.  The life I live is beyond what I could have imagined.

In my early 20's I became more present to the realities of who I am. I have always been comfortable in my own skin, but something clicked, and I really became alive.  I realized I wanted to do things my own way, no matter how it unfolded. My own speed traveling on my own path. Following my own gut and my own heart. Making concious decisions to create my own true self. Years later that still works for me.  Years later life is good. Better then I could have dreamed of, really.

And now I am about to turn 35. THIRTY FIVE.  One moment that feels so young, and the next I can't believe 35 years of my life have been lived.  I am dancing in my energetic years as bits of old age tease me.  I dig through the filing cabinet of my memories as I build new bookshelves for all unwritten stories that lay ahead.  I am nearing the middle of my life... or have I already passed it? It is such an odd but beautiful place to be.  At times I am coasting and cruising, and other times swerving and breaking. Either way, I grow. I age.  I am.

A poem for my 35th birthday...

The Aging Goddess Tree 

And it hit me 

 Suddenly 

but slowly

As though the egg of life cracked against my heart

 and the aging yolk oozed smoothly down my body

My heart beating fast as my body grew heavy and warm and numb

Time froze

  I sat there cradling my toddler as she fell asleep in my arms

 So peaceful

so calming 

 So present

 My monkey mind raced through the tree of life jumping from branch to branch 

Unknown ideas of the future swirling around like wind

Memories falling like the leaves release from the trees

images stacking on top of each other like snowflakes grip to twigs

Its amazing

really

 how many types of weather we bear in a single day

 my roots dig deep

ground me

connect me

nurture me

branches break, leaves rip, bark tears

I am weathered

but I am planted
I've been torn, cracked, fragile

but new life stirs inside

It is true

the days are long but the years are short

i see it

i feel it

i live it

i grow with it

as gracefully as i can

with strength from my roots

and new energy from my branches

i dig deep into the soil of my ancestors

I dig deeper into the soil of my aging self 

I reach for all the beauty that surrounds me

i hold the gifts that the world  has given to me 

and one day I will pass it all on and give it all back 

with love, with wisdom, with dignity, with power

as new seeds are creatively planted and nurtured to spread in divine union