Pregnancy and its Gruesome Beauty

As I sit here, surrounded by beeping machines, hundreds of medical staff and other terrified parents, I am preoccupied by the thoughts that swarm my brain.  They sting and linger and swell as though I am having an allergic reaction to my own parental fears.  But as I gaze into the isolette where my baby peacefully rests and grows, I am soothed.  She is here, ready to discover our world...

Almost every woman I have ever known during pregnancy has always made it look amazingly normal and easy.  Props to all of you incredible ladies, how did you do it?! For me, neither easy or normal was the case.  It wasn't lollipops and butterflies at all.  It was encompassed by exhaustion, morning sickness, bleeding, bed rest, placenta previa, and several hospital admissions.  It was everything I had hoped my pregnancy would not be, up to the very end and after, even as I sit here in the hospital and look at my baby through a plastic box.  I just want to hold her!

Let's just say my natural birth plan with a midwife was thrown out the window when I found out my pregnancy was "complicated."  I was quickly thrown into the medical world as fast as my dreams of a  water birth were tossed into the garbage.  For the safety of my baby, my lifestyle quickly changed.  I needed to let go, be flexible, be selfless and sacrifice my job, activities, and what felt like my sanity.  I knew all of these things would happen as a parent.  I just thought they would kick in upon delivery, not at 20 weeks pregnant.

When I found out I was with child,  I was excited to share all of my passions with my baby.  I kept on biking, hula hooping, camping, traveling, and going to concerts. I also joined a prenatal yoga studio called Blooma in Minneapolis which was the best thing I ever did for myself. All of these joys came to a sudden stop after I encountered some bleeding episodes with placenta previa and strict bed rest set in.  At least I could integrate all of the yoga skills I learned into my motionless self.  Not the poses, but the breathing, relaxation, focus, and determination; and being a warrior goddess mama!

For being such an active person, bed rest was an incredible challenge. (Little did I know that more challenges were just ahead.) To not even cook my own meal or take my dog for a walk was difficult for me.  But I knew this was temporary and the goal was to keep this precious baby in the womb as long as possible. I did my darnedest to keep her there.  She had other plans.

On October, 7th at 29 weeks pregnant, I had my third ultrasound to check on babies growth and placenta previa status.  I had already been admitted to the hospital twice for bleeding and onset of early labor so I was being closely watched.  Baby looked good.  However, placenta previa was still present and baby was breech.  So I headed home to continue lounging around.  It was a beautiful sunny day and I laid outside to read my book.  At 3pm my water broke. I froze. There is no way that it could be happening,  I had 11 weeks to go!

It did happen. I called my wonderful husband right away, a friend to come get our dog, and within 1/2 hour we were on our way to the hospital... for the third time. But this time I knew I wasn't going home until baby was here. Did I have any bags packed? No.  Did we attend birthing classes? No, they were a couple weeks out.  Was the nursery finished?  Not even started.  But it didn't matter.  There were much bigger matters... Life.

We tried to postpone labor as long as possible. The doctor said there was even a chance we could hold off for up to 4-6 weeks while being monitored 24/7 in the hospital.  But my body didn't agree and labor slowly progressed through the night.  By early morning, we scheduled a Cesarean section to get baby here safely.  But as we were scheduling it, babies heart rate dropped, and there was a medical team in my room so fast I barley had time to sign the papers. It was an emergency.  I was terrified. This was not in my birth plan.  It was all too soon. Was my baby safe?  Millions of thoughts and questions were floating around me. I had absolutely no control.  I needed to trust the team of doctors and nurses to take care of me and my baby.  And that is just what they did.

Norah Louise was born at 6:18am on October 8, 2013 weighing 2lbs 14 oz. and 16 inches long. She was 2 1/2 months early, but ready to be part of this world. Her name fits her perfectly. She is a shining light and a warrior as she grows healthy and strong in the hospital.  It was quite the road to get her here, both gruesome and beautiful at the same time. I am still shocked by the process as I recover from surgery and my life as a mother is in full force. If I am blessed enough to have another child, I am hopeful that my dream of a natural birth will happen.  But for some reason, for this amazing baby, the birth process unfolded in an unexpected journey that has shown me strength and courage that was hidden deep within.

The hospital has been my second home for the past few months. I have come to accept that and I am more grateful than I ever thought I would be for modern medicine.  It is now more than ever that those yoga skills come in handy!  The route we took to get her here may have not been ideal, planned, or anything at all that I hoped for.  But the end outcome is just the same.  A beautiful healthy baby.

Growing Baby
Photo by Charity Benedict @ NICU Children's Hospital