In Solidarity with Preemie Parents

Here I am again, round two. Living the life of a preemie mama in the hospital.

(a reminder for myself; this too shall pass.)

Welcome to the world Oliver Ray!  My 34 week baby was 5. lbs 4 oz. and growing steadily.  He just needs some time to gain strength and eat all of his meals on his own. We've got this, he is a champ!

He surprised us arriving 6 weeks early.  For some reason my children are eager to join us months before their due dates.  My plan for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) fell through.  This little man had other plans, and babies are the ones who choose when and how they enter this world.  I have learned that... twice.

Let me first tell you that I couldn't be more grateful for the situation I am in. I am so thankful for a healthy baby and that the reason for our hospital stay is prematurity. This isn't my first rodeo.  I've done this before with a baby that was HALF this size and spent triple the amount of time in this nursery with no windows. I truly thought I wouldn't have to do this again.  I was hopeful and sure that my full time job as a hospital mom was in the past.

Life is repeating itself.

I am splitting my time between home and hospital all while healing from surgery.  Only this time, there is a toddler at home.  I am living in three hour regiments of my son's cares schedule. My breasts are attached to a damn pump every three hours, and my sweet baby in-between.  I am listening to the silence between beeping machines and doctor visits. My heart strings are being pulled in directions I didn't know existed.  I am crossing fingers that each day is a day of growth. I am hoping that each test is passed and checked off the list.  My baby is suppose to be growing in my belly, yet is needing to pass a handful of tests?  Just no.

It doesn't make this any easier seeing a fist full of wires connected to the tiniest human in my life.  Or how about the fact that he has had more pokes and pricks and needles in his short life than most have had in one year.  I am ready for that feeding tube out of his nose. And seriously, an IV in his head?  It's gut wrenching.

But, he is getting cared for.  He is in trusting hands.  He is growing and doing well.  I can honestly say I don't know what it is like to leave the hospital with a newborn.  I wonder if I would even know what to do?  I am a pro at this hospital mom gig.

It's surreal.  Being here. again.  Deja Vu.

For all of you preemie hospital parents, a few things I have learned on this journey:

-Try and find some balance in your day.  Take time for yourself, time for baby, time for sunshine on your face,  and time to connect with someone outside of the hospital.
-Don't feel guilty.  You are doing the best you can.
-It's okay to cry.  It's okay to laugh.  It's okay to swear.  It's okay to crave a drink.  It's okay to pray.  Everything is welcome.
-Be in the moment.  When you are getting fresh air, breathe it deep.  When you are holding your baby, snuggle hard.
-EAT GOOD FOOD
-Use the resources at the hospital.  Find out what they can help you with.
-Share your story.  Nurses like to hear it.  They connect to you that way.
-Take lots of pictures.  It is amazing to look back at the journey.

I  keep holding onto all the other mama's and babies that are doing this at the same time.  Through the walls, in different time zones, over the oceans, and those who have been here in the past.  I know I am not alone.  I know so many are preemie parents. SOLIDARITY! We will get through this!  It's a time warp, it sucks, its beautiful.  Today, we are one day closer to going home.

The moment Oliver Ray entered our world!
Photo by Alisa Blackwood

Mama... You've Got This!

For the past couple of years I have spent every Wednesday lunch time gathering with new mamas.  I facilitate a New Mama's Group at Blooma and support these beautiful women on their journey as moms.  Some ladies come for months at a time, some attend while they are on maternity leave, and others just swing in to get out of the house for the day and connect with others on a similar voyage.  It's a sacred time.  The time when we transition to a new lifestyle, a new role, and transform into a parent all while balancing ourselves, our sanity, and holding onto our individuality before these little souls entered into our life.  

As I am preparing for baby number two to arrive in January, I reflect upon all the goodness, rawness, realness, and honesty that these moms who have passed through our doors have shared and given.  Several conversations come to mind.  Many topics that are pure reality for us in the heat of mamahood.  I have shared a lot.  I have learned a lot.  

This is a reminder to us all:  Mama, you've got this! 

~ You are your baby's advocate.  You know what it is best for you, your baby, and your family.  Trust your gut and have confidence in the choices you make! 

~ We don't know how we are going to feel about "all things mama" until we arrive in the heat of it all.   From feeding our babies, to relationships changes, to decisions about going back to work and childcare, to co-sleeping or not... it's okay to change your mind.  It's okay to say yes.  It's okay to say no.  Do what you need to do for YOU.  Do what is best for your sanity.  

~Breathe!  Take 2 minutes:  Close your eyes and let them become heavy.  Soften your jaw and drop your tongue from the roof of your mouth.  Let go of any gripping in your throat and drop your shoulders down a little farther.  Take 3 big breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.   Take 3 more balanced breaths and feel your breath flow evenly in and out.  Think of one thing you are grateful for.  Open your eyes.  This can TOTALLY hit your reset button!

~ You are going to get asked this question by EVERYONE:  "How is the baby sleeping?"  It is like the gateway to conversation about all things baby and it drives me crazy.  Babies have no routine in the beginning of their life.  They eat, poop, pee, sleep, watch the fan on the ceiling...repeat.   Just remember, babies run the show and they are working SO HARD to do all those things.  So when grandma asks how they are sleeping,  just tell them "like a baby." ( It was YEARS ago for grandma... they forget what its like, but I know all intentions are in the right place.) 

~ When your partner comes home from work and asks you " How was your day?"  Ask them in return "which part?"  Because some days you feel like 3 days have happened in 1, and you can't believe they are FINALLY home.  Each minute can bring on a new emotion, a new challenge, a new moment of gratitude.  One minute we are so frustrated, and the next so cozy we wouldn't want it any other way. This is when you focus on your accomplishments for that day.  Maybe you get to go to the bathroom alone!  Maybe you made lunch AND put the dishes away.  I mean, you fed your baby 8 times and changed 6 diapers and bounced them around the house for 3 hours and got them to nap for 30 minutes.  AND you even got to brush your teeth.  You have succeeded immensely! 

~ Do 1 thing a day to fill you up!  Take a shower, call a friend, have a glass of wine, take a nap, go to your favorite store alone, walk around the neighborhood, listen to your favorite album, read a book, go on a date with the father/mother of your baby, shave your legs... ANYTHING to make you feel like you! 

~ You are NOT alone.   Mothers all over the world are doing exactly what you are doing.  The image of moms in every corner of the world doing what we are doing is so powerful.  Remember to hold onto the strength and support of mothers that surround you. 

~ One step at a time. One moment at at time. Nothing is permanent. You've got this! 

Live Your Passion: Music is Mine... Charity Huot @ LumberJam - "Seven"

Today I had the privilege of doing a workshop for new mama's and their babies.  It was all about integrating music into their routine at home, songs and activities to do with baby, how to connect through music, and I ended the presentation with a concert.



Music is the universal language of mankind.  Music heals.  Music sparks emotion and connects us to ourselves, others, and allows us to live in the present moment.  Today reminded me of how much I need music in my life as well.  I need to listen to it and dance to it.  I need to create it. I was reminded of how I need to share it.  We all have gifts stirring within us that we need to share, otherwise they wouldn't be stirring.



Follow your passion.



I found this old recording that I had no idea existed on youtube until today.  It is from a festival (LumberJam) I played at 4 summers ago. It is called Seven... It is my twist on the seven deadly sins with attitude.  Its also about allowing yourself to truly be you, and letting things be as they are.



Cheers!

I Hold One In My Arms and One In My Heart

I have been pregnant twice in my life.  Both times have been pretty unbelievable, really.  But the journey of pregnancy and motherhood is a wild ride.  There are many plot twists, roller coaster drops, and unexpected paths that are crossed. I never could have imagined this journey and how being pregnant or raising children can truly impact who we become.  

Every individual has a different experience and no story is greater than another. Some are euphoric and others challenging. I am sharing this with you to let you know you are not alone.  Your voice matters.  Your experience counts.  

In just two short years I have carried two babies in my body.  I have been one of the lucky ones to be able to get pregnant with little effort.  I am aware that this is a gift and I am ever so grateful for that.   But that doesn't mean it has been an easy ride for me and my family.  In fact, it has been one of the bumpiest pothole filled roads that I have ever been on in my life.  

My first child was conceived on the 1st try.  I couldn’t believe it when I saw that pregnancy test come back positive.  It was planned, and we “thought” we were ready.  But we weren’t ready for the unknowns that we were about to face along the way.  

We weren’t ready for the news that I needed to be on bed rest because I had complete placenta previa.  We weren't ready for early onset of labor starting at 25 weeks.  We weren’t ready to be hospitalized twice before baby was born for bleeding and complications. We weren't ready for my water to break at 29 weeks.  We weren't ready for an emergency c-section because baby’s heart rate dropped, and she was breech, and with complete placenta previa it’s not safe to go into labor.  Baby came way before we were ready.  We were NOT ready to spend the next 60 days in the hospital because we had a premature baby.  

But we were ready to welcome her in to our world with loving arms.  We were ready to be parents and decided we were ready to take on whatever was thrown our way.  And we did it together.  We were ready to welcome our 2 lb. 13 oz baby, and be with her as she grew in the hospital. We were ready to be a family.  

It was a challenge.  It was heartbreaking and terrifying.  But we now have a healthy two year old child who is thriving and growing and loving life!  She loves to read, play outside, dance, watch  football games, do yoga, help clean the house, toast at every meal, and discover the world around her.  She is a blessing.  She is a gift.  The journey of her entering our world and what it took to get her here was worth it all.  

Twenty seven months after the birth of our daughter we found out we were pregnant.  SURPRISE! It was an instant spiral of emotion.  I was finally healing and moving forward from the trauma of being pregnant the first time.  I wasn’t ready to carry another life inside… What if I had to go through all of that again?! Then the overwhelming sense of joy and peace.  Visions of our family growing, a sibling for our daughter, the love was multiplying.  We were ready and so excited!

At the end of that week, I started spotting.  “Oh Fuck”, is what rolled through my head.  “Placenta previa, again?! Awesome…”  I just waited it out and tried not to panic.  It was way to early to worry about anything because baby was only 6 weeks. And why worry anyway? It does no good. But then I started cramping, and the pains were intensifying, and the blood was heavier.  I called the nurse and she had me come in to take a pregnancy test.  I scheduled another one for two days later to make sure my hormone levels were rising. My test was positive, but I knew something wasn’t right. I am in tune with my body, and listen to the signs.  I thought I was beginning to miscarry my baby.  I just kept breathing through the intense lower back pain, cramping, and sharp pain that would come and go.  I am not one to take pain medication, but decided I really needed some.  So with the Tylenol, the pain subsided. I went to sleep hoping that this would all go away.

The next morning the pain was getting much worse.  I was actually having such intense pain in my right side that I physically couldn’t stand up straight. I was crawling on the ground pretending to be an animal so my toddler wouldn’t think anything was wrong.   I called my nurse and two hours later I was in the doctors office getting an ultra sound to see what was happening.  

At first they found nothing. But when they did the ultra sound vaginally, the feeling in the room instantly changed and the technician was quiet.  I could see my baby!  I could see baby moving on the live photos. I asked her “What part of the anatomy are you taking a picture of right now?” and she said “that is your Fallopian Tube.” 

 My heart dropped.  My stomach flipped.  I knew this was not good.  

The doctor came in, took a quick look and said. “what we are seeing here is an ectopic pregnancy.  Your baby has implanted in the right Fallopian Tube and it has ruptured.  You are internally bleeding and need to head directly to Abbott Emergency Room for an emergency surgery.  Dr. Herring is waiting for you.” 

WHAT??!?!?!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

My Husband and daughter were there with me. I held them and cried. So grateful for them and so terrified… again. Another emergency surgery due to being pregnant?  My life is in danger again?  My baby isn’t going to live this time?   NO, FUCK THIS!  This isn’t fair! Pregnancies are supposed to be natural and healthy and normal. Why am I about to lay on another operating table due to bleeding complications while pregnant?  And these two situations are totally not related?  This can’t be happening…

Only a couple of people knew we were pregnant.  We weren’t going to tell anyone for weeks, and now we needed to call our family and tell them I am going into an emergency surgery?  Who was going to be with our daughter?  Did we catch this in time to keep me safe?  My husband has to see his wife go through this again?  I mean, come on! This is way to much emotion and heart ache in one week.

The questions just kept coming, but very few answers given.  The one beautiful answer was that I was okay. I went into the hospital just in time.  I will never know many of the answers to why any of this happened, both the first time or the second time.  One of the hardest parts for me was seeing my baby on the ultra sound before the surgery. Because I knew when I would wake up after the procedure, my baby would be gone. All I could do was breathe, relax, and trust.  The only comfort I had at that moment was knowing it was Dr. Herring doing the surgery.  He was the doctor that delivered my daughter. He has done this before, he successfully kept me safe one time and he could do it again.  He remembered me from last time and even asked how my baby was doing. He couldn't believe that over two years had already gone by.  Funny how things work out sometimes…

As a musician, I have written a few lullabies.  Weeks after the loss of my first baby, I was rocking my toddler to sleep. Every night before bed I sing her a song and she asked me to sing her “Little Darling” which is one of my lullabies.  As I rocked her to sleep and sang the song, she sang the entire song with me.  It was a powerful healing moment. Holding this miracle in my arms and holding a child in my heart at the same time.  I wept in grief and joy.  So deep, words don’t describe.  The gratitude felt for the blessings in my life as well as the loss of a child I have never met is profound.  

Motherhood is a journey.  Whether we yearn for it and wait patiently to have the children you dream of, or have adult children and reflect on the past.  No matter where you are on the path, it is a heavy load to carry and only the strength and love of a mothers heart can bare it. 

I have found that surrounding my self with positivity, leaning on supportive loved ones, and diving into activities that interest me keep me afloat.  Along with deep breathes, quiet meditation time, fresh air, and a glass (bottle) of wine! 

When we experience heart wrenching situations, we move forward one step at a time with more strength, more wisdom, and a bigger heart.  We try and honor the grief and loss all while holding onto the gifts we currently have.  We find balance.  We trust.  We grow.  And we connect with others who are riding along on this expedition of motherhood. 

P.S.  I find that humor, even if it is dark, is a healing tool.  So, I wrote a “joke” about my womb:

My womb must be a terrifying place to be.  One baby wanted out way too soon, and the other would NOT go in there.  It must be a womb with no windows.  (bwahahahaha)

P.S.S. But really, our wombs are a wonderful gift and full of love! 

The Aging Goddess Tree

I have been reflecting on the goodness in my life.  Clean drinking water, a warm bed,  jobs I love, a ridiculously amazing community and circle of loved ones, yoga, chapstick, bourbon, and the list goes on.  I am beyond blessed and I wish health and happiness for all... truly.  I could think about the "if only's" and "what if's" in my life, but I have learned that thinking that way gets me no where. Putting my energy into the present and where my path is leading me is much more rewarding.

If you would have asked me when I was a teenager what I thought my life would be like in my 30's, I never would imagined THIS. I thought I would marry young, live in a house full of kids with a house I owned while teaching in an elementary school. The "steps to adulthood" as our society lays it out for us.  You know: college, career, married, house, kids, etc...  Boy, am I glad that is not the life patterned that I followed.  It just wasn't for me.  The life I live is beyond what I could have imagined.

In my early 20's I became more present to the realities of who I am. I have always been comfortable in my own skin, but something clicked, and I really became alive.  I realized I wanted to do things my own way, no matter how it unfolded. My own speed traveling on my own path. Following my own gut and my own heart. Making concious decisions to create my own true self. Years later that still works for me.  Years later life is good. Better then I could have dreamed of, really.

And now I am about to turn 35. THIRTY FIVE.  One moment that feels so young, and the next I can't believe 35 years of my life have been lived.  I am dancing in my energetic years as bits of old age tease me.  I dig through the filing cabinet of my memories as I build new bookshelves for all unwritten stories that lay ahead.  I am nearing the middle of my life... or have I already passed it? It is such an odd but beautiful place to be.  At times I am coasting and cruising, and other times swerving and breaking. Either way, I grow. I age.  I am.

A poem for my 35th birthday...

The Aging Goddess Tree 

And it hit me 

 Suddenly 

but slowly

As though the egg of life cracked against my heart

 and the aging yolk oozed smoothly down my body

My heart beating fast as my body grew heavy and warm and numb

Time froze

  I sat there cradling my toddler as she fell asleep in my arms

 So peaceful

so calming 

 So present

 My monkey mind raced through the tree of life jumping from branch to branch 

Unknown ideas of the future swirling around like wind

Memories falling like the leaves release from the trees

images stacking on top of each other like snowflakes grip to twigs

Its amazing

really

 how many types of weather we bear in a single day

 my roots dig deep

ground me

connect me

nurture me

branches break, leaves rip, bark tears

I am weathered

but I am planted
I've been torn, cracked, fragile

but new life stirs inside

It is true

the days are long but the years are short

i see it

i feel it

i live it

i grow with it

as gracefully as i can

with strength from my roots

and new energy from my branches

i dig deep into the soil of my ancestors

I dig deeper into the soil of my aging self 

I reach for all the beauty that surrounds me

i hold the gifts that the world  has given to me 

and one day I will pass it all on and give it all back 

with love, with wisdom, with dignity, with power

as new seeds are creatively planted and nurtured to spread in divine union

No One Ever Told Me THAT Would Be Added To My Parenting Resume...

Pregnancy. Labor. Delivery. Beautiful baby.  And then...PaReNtHoOd.

This is for those of you in it.  This is for those of you who have been there.  This is for all the parents;  that moment when you say to yourself "no one ever told me it would be like this."

We read the books, skim articles, and attend classes to prepare.  Our parents, family, and friends with babies tell us how it is. But let's be honest.  All of the nitty, gritty, and personal shit we deal with as parents is figured out in the heat of the moment. We acquire skills we didn't know we had.  We live.  We grow.  We become fully capable of almost any job because we are loaded with experiences and our resume is STACKED with expertise!

Here is a list of the skills, strengths, and credentials that you acquire in this career as a parent!

1.  Congratulations, you are entertainer of the year!  You could be the new ringmaster of the Cirque Du Soleil, Beyonce's new choreographer, or Taylor Swifts song writer.  I mean, you are basically doing acrobatics and juggling life throughout the day.  You are bouncing around to new dance routines to get baby to sleep.  And new melodies pop in your head on the spot to get your kids to smile.  You should be nominated for a grammy for the lyrics you just whipped together about bath and pajama time.  Too bad your number one fan is that little bundle in your arms and can't call the big wigs to recommend you for the job.  You SHOULD receive the award.

2.  You are now the Chief Executive Officer of Household.  You are ultimately responsible for day-to-day management decisions and implementing long and short term plans.  You build the culture in your company and provide the resources for success.  You own a vision, set the goals, and you lead your team.  Congrats on your hard work, CEO!

3.  Ninja Warrior. How many times of have had to quietly sneak out of your sleeping childs room configuring your body in uncomfortable positions so you don't wake them up?!  That's what I thought!  You are stealth on your feet,  you would fight for your child if in danger, and you learn how to guide/discipline/teach your child with words rather than violent alternatives.  Do you master self control in moments when you didn't think you could before children entered your world?! You are a ninja!

4. Welcome to the life of a detective. You interrogate your suspects and interview your witnesses based on the evidence before you. When was the last time you pooped? Who ate the last slice of pizza?  How did the lamp break? Where on earth are the toddlers shoes? What time did you actually go to bed? How did my cell phone end up in the toilet? You are solving mysteries and investigating situations all. day. long.

5.  Mixologist at your finest. If you are a nursing mother, you are serving your child the most fresh and delicious cocktail straight out of the tap!  Your body is making one hell of a drink.  Non nursing mothers and fathers and other care takers know the perfect proportions of formula to the temperature of the liquid for the perfect beverage.  They know how long to shake it and how to serve it perfectly for the liking of the consumer.  All parents know how to mix and muddle and stir and serve all while presenting it with love... and then they top it off with a night cap for themselves to enjoy.

(Since resume's should not be longer than two pages max, i better stop here.   However, I believe a parents resume could fit into the Guinness Book of World Records.)

Just know this parents:  Your hard work is seen, it is felt, it is recognized. It may not seem like to now, but all of your time and energy spent at this job will pay off.  Keep up the good work. Each day you add another profession to the list. What will it be tomorrow?!  I just wish I could add professional sleeper to the record...

Trippin' With Toddlers: On the Road and Over My Words

"Did that just really happen?!"  That was the first question I asked myself when I woke up in my own bed (the first morning I was home) after embarking on a 24 day road trip out west with my husband and 22 month old daughter.  I don't know if I was expecting to open my eyes in my tent or in the van, but I was home, and "business as usual" was already in full force.  As I jumped back in to work, my lovely co-workers and friends were asking what any thoughtful human would ask... "How was your vacation?"  How do I answer that in one short phrase?  I just drove across our country breathing in mountain air, dipping my toes in the ocean, and hiking trails that had waterfalls waiting at the end.  We biked on famous bridges, hugged redwood trees, and spent time with family and friends. So I answered... "It was an incredible trip."  TRIP.  NOT a vacation...

I guess my idea of a vacation is laying on a beach drinking a cocktail, or reading a book in a hammock in the woods.  Vacation reminds me of rest and relaxation.  Driving 6,700 miles and 120 + hours in the car with a toddler isn't exactly a vacation.  Setting up camp, cooking, cleaning, dishes, packing up camp, and moving to the next location ins't exactly restful with a toddler.  But someone asked me another question that brought a little more meaning to this whole experience.  " Would you do it again tomorrow?"  My Response?!  "No, but I would next week!  I need some time on my couch."  

I think I am still wonderfully exhausted.  Life on the road is quite the trip! New scenery every couple of days.  New faces, elevations, food, trails, cities and experiences.   Before we left, a few people couldn't believe we were about to take a cross country road trip with a toddler.  "What about her routine?  What will you do in the car?  How will she do camping in a tent?"  These were just a few of the dozen concerning questions I got asked when telling people what we were about to do.

Honestly, the best part for us was getting out of a routine and moving to our own beat.  Creating a rythym as a family.  Seeing each other in a different light, different setting, and a different schedule as we followed the setting sun each day.  

It was an incredible trip. Partly because of watching our daughter grow and learn along the way.  She learned about new landforms, animals, plants, and wild berries.  She played in streams, rivers, waterfalls and the ocean.  She hiked and biked and camped.  She LOVED the hammock!   As far as the car goes, we had bins of books, play-doh, stickers, coloring materials, toys with batteries, puzzles, magnets, music, pipe cleaners, a dozen car activities... and some technology as a last resort.  It all made the time in the car go by much smoother with all of that planning. 

It was also slightly trying for us all.  It was not ALL fabulous (mostly fabulous).  She had moments of boredom.  She had nights of teething.  The change of her routine took some adjusting.  She threw a tantrum.  She woke the neighbors in the middle of the night while camping in Yosemite.  I had my moments of anxiety and exhaustion... partly from her neediness.  

BUT,  those challenges would have happened at home or on the road.  Changes in routine come up all the time in life.  Toddlers grow teeth.  Moms' have moments of worry. Why would I let those frustrating normalities stop us from hitting the road?  exactly... I didn't.  We just did it. And it was worth all of the hard work.... before, during, and after.

If you are  questioning a trip with your children, I highly encourage you to do it!  It doesn't have to be an extravagant event for your children and family to experience the beauty of this earth. Take a camping trip down the road.  Spend a day hiking or biking just outside of your town.  Start where you are comfortable and go for it.  You might surprise yourself... your kids might surprise you too.  Let go of the usual routine and find a new flow as a family for a bit. You'll grow.

  It's worth it!

Parenting is like Rafting the Grand Canyon

Have you ever taken advice from a river?  Well, if not, you should...

The summer of 2011 presented itself with an opportunity of a lifetime. I was about to raft the Grand Canyon!  I was a little hesitant, but my adventurous spirit was ready for it even though my mind wasn't fully prepared.  I didn't REALLY plan for this, but I went along for the ride with an open mind and a willingness to do whatever was needed along the way. Sure, I read a couple of books, checked out websites, and actively communicated with our group before we set sail.  But I didn't realize what I was getting into until I was on the river.  (I am still not sure I have fully processed that... I mean, it was the Grand Canyon.)  It took fifteen years to get a private permit to do a self guided trip down the river.  The original crew had it in the works for a long time. I was gratefully added on a couple years before the trip was scheduled.  My boyfriends family lovingly invited me along.  And so, I rafted the Grand Canyon for one week in August, and hiked out of the canyon from the river to the top! 

I did it.  But not alone.  I survived, and let me tell you, there was a second when I wasn't sure I would.  I lived in the moment. I embraced what was around me.  All of it.  The beauty, the terror, the energy, the peace, the journey, the everything.    

Looking over the Grand Canyon at Unkar Delta

A few years later, here I am.  Reflecting on where I was, where I am, and all in between.  As I write, I hear the voice of my sweet little daughter saying "mama, mama" eagerly wanting to show me her book.  I am a parent now.  At times I still can't believe it, but I am doing it.

While I was rafting, I remember wondering if my boyfriend (now husband) and I would ever be parents.  I wondered if we would share this marvelous and fascinating national park with a child.   Now that motherhood is in full swing, I can honestly compare this parenting gig to rafting the Grand Canyon.  

It's a wonder. There are moments when my breath has been taken away.  There are times that I have been terrified, for my life, and for others around me. I've experienced the most serene moments on the river and as a mother.  I have found strength and courage I didn't know existed before these events occurred.  These two adventures have undoubtedly allowed me to live in the moment, because that is all that matters.  

There is a connection, a bond that is felt rafting that mother-of-a-canyon, as well as mothering a child. 

I have flipped.  What parent hasn't lost it from time to time?  But really,  our raft flipped in one of the biggest rapids on the Colorado River.  (That is a whole other story in itself.)  But, we just pick up the pieces, pull ourselves together, and continue on the journey. 

Hance Rapid: scouting the rapid moments before we flipped... right there!

You can prepare, read, discuss, map out, and plan, but until you are living it, you don't really know what to expect.  (Even then, we still don't know. We just do it.) It takes a crew, a team, or a support system to make it from one point to the next.  We need our village to share in all the ups and downs, stillness and chaos, excitement and questions, and encouragement along the way. 

Needless to say, parenting to me feels like rafting through this immense, intense, magnificent, and natural beautiful wonder of the world. 

It reminds me to take advice from a river while rafting through this parenting pilgrimage:

-go with the flow: the water can change at any moment, around any corner. 

-immerse yourself in nature: soak up your surroundings.

-slow down and meander: enjoy the ride.

-go around the obstacles: if you can't go around, hit them head on with all you've got and hope for the best.

-be thoughtful of those downstream: be mindful of the mark you make for the next generation.

-stay current: be present.

-the beauty is in the journey: yes it is!

Bright Angel Trail: half way to the top of the canyon!  

Little Darling

Today I have a song for you. A lullaby I wrote after Norah was born and in the hospital for 60 days.  This song is for her.  This song is for all mamas.  This song is for all children.  This song is for you. 

 

Little Darling

How do you do my baby?
How do you do today?
How do you do little darling,
on this Beautiful day?

Did you stay warm my baby?
Did you stay warm today?
Did you stay warm little darling,
when cold winter blues filled your day?

When the winter wind is here
I'll hold you by my side
when the evening lasts too long
I'll entertain you all night long

What do you need my baby?
What do you need today?
What do you need little darling,
to hide all your troubles away.

What can I give you baby?
What can I give you today?
What can I give little darling.
to melt all your worries away?

When the springtime rain is here
I'll keep you warm and dry
when the rainclouds last too long
I'll entertain you all day long

When you grow my baby.
When you grow old some day.
When you grow old little darling
I'll love you just the same.

A Time Frame Comparison: So... What's Changed?!

Everybody tells you that your life is going to change dramatically when you have a baby.  I beg to differ...

I spent five years and thousands of dollars to earn a degree that I am no longer using. Yes, I am a college graduate, and what I really gained from that time of my life is way beyond a paper diploma.  Before attending my first semester, I assumed college would teach me academics and prepare me for "the real world."  HA!  I am glad the bubble I was living in at that time has been popped. Don't get me wrong, I did learn elementary math and figured out that I could use my bus pass for years to come. I did learn some life skills that many people gain in their early twenties: independence being a big one. I also figured out that your health can change instantly.  And that people who you think love you can break you in your most vulnerable state only to make you stronger.  I balanced three jobs, sixteen credits, endless hours of music making, and at that time, a checkbook.  Who balances those anymore?!   I did find time to socialize. Who am I kidding... I made time. It is what kept me sane, and turned me insane.  Those of you who have lived the college lifestyle know that it can be financially, mentally, and emotionally stressful at times. Life can feel exhausting, exciting, terrifying and gratifying all in the same moment.  And in a blink of an eye, it can all change.  There are nights when you don't sleep, times when you try and try and try to accomplish anything, and fail.  There are days filled with joy, laughter, growth, love, and success. Life spirals with its ups and downs but you wouldn't trade it for anything.  It is all part of life as a college student. 

I spent seven months pregnant, two months in the hospital and racked up thousands of dollars in medical bills.  Yes, I am a parent, and what I really gain from that is way more than the title of mom.  Before having a child, I assumed my life would instantly change the moment that little beauty entered our earth.  Don't get me wrong, there was a definite shift biologically and an instinctual transformation, and my heart grows with each beat.  I have figured out how to cook meals with one hand and I am pretty sure I can get an award for entertainer of the year... at least the look on baby's face sure says that anyway! I balance three jobs, a household, endless hours of creating, performing, singing, and keep a close eye on my bank account.  I find time for myself.  Who am I kidding... I make time for myself.  It is what keeps me sane, and sometimes turns me insane.  Those of you who live the parent lifestyle know that it can be financially, mentally, and emotionally stressful at times.  Life can feel exhausting, exciting, terrifying and gratifying all in the same moment.  And in a blink of an eye, it can all change.  There are nights whey you don't sleep, times when you try and try and try to accomplish anything, and fail.  There are days filled with joy, laughter, growth, love, and success. Life spirals with its ups and downs but you wouldn't trade it for anything. It is all part of life as a parent.

So, what's changed?  The easier question to answer is: What's the same?

Answer: 

Taking care of room mates in a cluttered house on little sleep. :)

Lake Michigan Sunset
photo by Charity Huot Benedict

Reflections From A Teacher

Ahhhh, elementary school; land of active learning! Can you recall the memorable days of exploration through art projects? Team building skills through kick ball games? Learning to take turns with friends at recess playing lightning at the basketball hoop? Preparing for tests with jeopardy and memory? Music classes, multiple times a week?! Dressing up on Halloween? Class parties? I could go on and on about the skills that I learned through all the fun I had.   I wish that was the case for todays generation...

As a former elementary school teacher of a short (long) 6 years, I sit back as summer approaches remembering all of the excitement that comes with the end of the school year. Your class of little learners just spent nine months of their lives growing mentally, emotionally and physically in your care. You have invested your heart, soul, money, time, and love into these children and they are about to move onto a new phase in their journey. As their teacher, you hope to goodness you have done the best you can for each individual, and wish them an awesome summer as you give them a hug or high five as they walk out your door. Your eyes might get watery, because you will miss them, you are exhausted, and you are overwhelmed with the amount of work you have to finish. All at the same time, you are preparing for your summer school class about to walk in your door in a week... got to pay those student loans somehow!

Teachers have super powers. Some teachers have multiple sets of eyes. Some have multiple hearts or multiple hands. Others have an inner well that overflows with wisdom or patience. Others are telepathic. To teach, to care for a full classroom, to multi- task, you are granted, earn, and learn these skills along the way. It takes a person with superpowers to be a teacher.

The statements are true: School isn't what it used to be. Kids are growing up too fast.

In a quickly changing world flooded with technology and diversity, our younger generations aren't getting what they need from our schools. It is a trickle affect from the head offices to the classroom. Yes, the students are cared for, but everyone is too focused on test scores and number crunching and funds. Not everybody wants to be, that's just how it goes.  Too much pressure.  I have worked in private schools and in schools with 99% poverty. It is a similar story all around. One thing I know for sure is that parents love their children! Stop blaming the parents, stop blaming the students, stop blaming the teachers! Start communicating and building relationships to better the educational experience for all involved.

I am now on a different career path. Why? (How much time do you have to listen?) Balance. Extremes. Expectations.

I am a believer in balance, or strive for balance in life. It is difficult to achieve that as a teacher. If you are part time, you actually work full time. If you are full time, the teachers I have taught with work way beyond that. Emails, phone calls, planning, prepping, grading, creating and more is taken home at night, on the weekends, and over the summer. Balance?

Teaching is extreme. After two years of teaching at a private (Catholic) school, I was told by signing my next contract I was also signing to abide by the rules of the church. That doesn't affect how I teach. Teachers teach for several reasons, and religious or political beliefs shouldn't be a factor when educating a child. So, I chose to move onto a different job that appreciated my skills rather then wondered what I was doing after hours. (even though many of those hours included making classroom tools while enjoying a glass of wine.)

My last two years of teaching, I was in a district where recess was taken away at one school I taught at, and kindergarteners were expected to follow a schedule (to the minute) at another. I would love to see someone from the district try to teach a room full of 23 five year olds for an entire day. Especially when some of these kiddos didn't have dinner, or were going through family crisis, or had a learning disability, or someone just peed their pants. Come on! Balance? Kids need it too. Extremes?

Expectations. Why are there so many? We need guidelines and rules and agreements and yes, a few expectations, I understand. But when the growing minds of children are pushed all year to pass one week of tests, and sit calmly all day, and reach unrealistic milestones, and follow a minute to minute schedule, it becomes a little nuts. What about when a shy student finally stands up to read a paragraph they wrote? Or you see two children solving a math problem together? Or the child whose parent just passed away jumped rope for the first time? Self discovery is such an important life skill. The problem is, there isn't time for that! Where is the creativity and flexibility in our schools? It continues to become less and less. Don't even get me started on the expectations of teachers...

There are moments when I miss seeing the lightbulb go off in a students head. There are times when I miss collaborating with all those super power teachers or connecting with the parents who want to see their child grow, shine, and work hard. But teaching isn’t what I thought it was going to be. Maybe I am too much of a free spirited being to fit the mold of todays four wall classroom. And maybe not. I do believe we have lost many wonderful teachers who have switched career paths. But for those in the heat of it, teachers, students, and parents, embrace yet another year of amazing accomplishments. There are a plethora outside of those darn tests!

Photo by Charity Huot Benedict 

Season of Rebirth

as the ice melts away and the branches start to freely breathe

the earth awakens

as the bulbs break through the dirt and water slowly trickles

the earth awakens

feet grip the stirring ground

eyes spy the growing tulips

faces embrace the energy of the wind

and the rain washes away the stale winter mood

walk amongst the trees as the weeping willow waves

signs of Spring awaken

walk along the river and she flows with human pace

signs of Spring awaken

hibernation goes to rest

trees yawn and stretch out buds of freshness

lakes start to sway and wade and splash

and the sun stays awake long enough to greet the moon

it's the time of year to shed stagnant skin

to break the shell of frozen consciousness

to un-mask stunning beauty

to reveal

as the season transforms and the birds start to sing

our sleepy souls awaken

as the light returns and we inhale gratefulness

our sleepy souls awaken

may we plant seeds of gentle kindness in our inner soil

sprout seedlings of peace that grow leaves of acceptance

grow deep roots of strength with kindred tenderness

let the petals of universal rebirth blossom

and flourish in the widespread color that is sown

Rebirth
photo by: Charity Huot Benedict 

Beating the Winter Whine

Any of us living in what feels like the arctic tundra may be experiencing static cling, dry skin, short days, frozen nose hairs, dead car batteries, and a repetitive schedule that may sound like a broken record.  Believe me, winters in Minnesota can drive the most free spirited and adventurous of souls crazy. But somehow these characteristics make us stronger and proud to be living in the coldest places during the longest months.   There does come a time however, when our feet get stuck and our minds follow.  Do you find yourself feeling bored of your routine with the dead winter blues? 

I simply start each day with 1 goal and hope to feel slightly renewed before my head hits the pillow. Actually doing something different, physical, mind carving, and unfamiliar can boost my endorphins and give me a fresh outlook on the ice covered streets I walk day in and day out. 

So, to remind myself to warm up as the cold lingers, I have created a list of things that I have tried when my days and nights collide into a frozen winter halt. My bucket list of to-do's continues to lengthen, but these little things I have checked off the list have lead to some of the greatest adventures I have experienced.   Some are recent and some from years passed.  But they have helped me see the potential awards that winter can actually offer.  Don't just sleep the day away or sit there and watch endless episodes and seasons on Netflix... well, once in a while that sounds lovely... get out there and explore.

Do them.  Share them.  Create your own.  Set a goal.  Conquer a new task. Take a risk.  Live.  

~ Pick up an instrument, learn a few chords and notes, and call your friends to make some music.  You will discover a connection, a sound, or a memory to hold onto. 

~Write a letter or a thank you note to an old friend.  Long live snail mail! 

~ Learn to knit or crochet.  It passes time and keeps you warm. Win win. 

~Find a new recipe and try something you have never eaten.  There is nothing like a yummy taste explosion.  

~Support local music.  What do you think Musicians do when it's so cold out?  Get out there and hear some new tunes.

~Volunteer at a place you want to be.  There are great communities all around you to be a part of.  I love the Cedar Cultural Center!

~Try out a class at a fitness center. I have been practicing Nia... love it.  The power and energy in that class is compelling.

~ Snowshoe, ski, skate, snowboard.  Embrace the cold.

~Book club, beer buddies, wine and bitch, laugh and craft... whatever you want to call it.  Join or start a group.  Socialize.

~ Sign up for a class. I enjoyed classes at The Loft.  A writer's gotta write. 

~Grow a plant.  Green thumb or not, it gives you a bit of life in the dead of winter. 

~ Play Dates.  Make the effort to hang out with your friends and children.  How about mixing happy hour and Sesame Street? Sounds relaxing and educational.

~Build a bonfire.  What is better then smoke in your eyes, your clothes smelling like fire,  and a cold ass as the front of your body heats up?  But really, it is calming and mesmerizing. 

~Have a dance party in the living room. Let it all go. 

~ Bundle up and go for a walk.  Just do it. 

~ Start a project.  PINTEREST! 

~Photography.  Dust off your camera and spend an hour taking photos.  I enjoy making photo books and calendars with my pictures.  

~Play Cards. Hearts is where it's at.  

~Travel.  It is a holistic life experience. I'm not sure which was more memorable:  rafting the Grand Canyon or Living in St. Vincent and the Grenadines.  

~Call your grandparents.  They would love to hear your voice.

~Take a hot bath or a sauna.  Ahhhhhhhh, the heat!

~ Dinner Party.  Pick a theme and have each friend bring part of the meal.  I'll bring the wine! 

~Start a blog.  Get the juices in your brain flowing through the inter-web.  Someone is interested in what you have to say. 

~Write a song.  Even if it's for your kids.  I need to get going on album number 3! 

~Laugh.  Learn a new joke, read The Onion, or tune into Jimmy Fallon.  Laughing is my favorite! 

Climbing on Ice- Lake Superior

You DO have time to try something new and refreshing. Even if it is a couple minutes a day or week.  Make the best of the winter because before you know it,  you will be outdoors in the middle of 90 degree and humid weather.  You will be wishing for a blast of cold air! 

Climbing on Ice- Lake Superior

Happy All-the-days!

As Jack Frost slowly climbs up my window and the frigid wind tosses snow across rooftops, I am happy to see the sun shining upon us as the holidays approach.  With my daily schedule as unpredictable as our nightly weather, I catch myself dreaming about the warm winter memories from years past that I try to keep present as an adult.

I play choral, jazz, and acoustic Christmas music quietly through my home.  I find comfort in the harmonies, nostalgia in the melodies, and spiritual connections in the lyrics.  I find that the cold chill of winter days somehow awakes my being as the earth falls deeper into sleep.  And all in the same moment, I am tired from the lack of light, and tired of the societal overload of consumer "holiday glitter."

I do however find peace in the balance of the holiday season.  The gifts of spending time, not money.  The warmth of a Christmas tree, not blow-up snowmen and plastic figurines.  The gatherings with friends while baking traditional treats and sharing meals over discussions of movies, music, and current events.  To be light heart-ed in a time when heaviness and lowliness can creep in.

I find it important, especially during the holidays, to accept the differences of individuals and worship styles or non worship styles. To simply enjoy the company you are blessed with. It is a time to be thankful for the simple yet necessary entities in our lives.  A time to dig back to your roots to see how far the branches have spread.  A time to let go and yet in the same moment, a time to hold on.  A time to be tender when you feel jagged and worn.  A time to embrace whatever and however you spend your celebratory days.

I look forward to the holidays because they remind me to be thankful for what I have been given in life... not what I do not have and what I long for.  They remind me to focus on the presents I have been given that don't come in packages.  It gives me hope in this spinning world we live in.  I hope that others are able to do the same.

However you celebrate this time of year, or however you don't, I wish you all the best in all your days ahead. I leave you with holiday lyrics/thoughts that I feel can make our earth a more sacred and bountiful place to raise our children all year round.
~ Let your heart be light
~ Tidings of comfort and joy
~ All is calm, all is bright
~ Let there be peace on earth
~Bless all the dear children in thy tender care
~Hearts will be glowing when loved ones are near
~A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
~Where the love light gleams
~Children laughing, people passing, meeting smile after smile
~ May your days be merry and bright

Lutsen Mountain
Photo by: Charity Huot Benedict 

Pregnancy and its Gruesome Beauty

As I sit here, surrounded by beeping machines, hundreds of medical staff and other terrified parents, I am preoccupied by the thoughts that swarm my brain.  They sting and linger and swell as though I am having an allergic reaction to my own parental fears.  But as I gaze into the isolette where my baby peacefully rests and grows, I am soothed.  She is here, ready to discover our world...

Almost every woman I have ever known during pregnancy has always made it look amazingly normal and easy.  Props to all of you incredible ladies, how did you do it?! For me, neither easy or normal was the case.  It wasn't lollipops and butterflies at all.  It was encompassed by exhaustion, morning sickness, bleeding, bed rest, placenta previa, and several hospital admissions.  It was everything I had hoped my pregnancy would not be, up to the very end and after, even as I sit here in the hospital and look at my baby through a plastic box.  I just want to hold her!

Let's just say my natural birth plan with a midwife was thrown out the window when I found out my pregnancy was "complicated."  I was quickly thrown into the medical world as fast as my dreams of a  water birth were tossed into the garbage.  For the safety of my baby, my lifestyle quickly changed.  I needed to let go, be flexible, be selfless and sacrifice my job, activities, and what felt like my sanity.  I knew all of these things would happen as a parent.  I just thought they would kick in upon delivery, not at 20 weeks pregnant.

When I found out I was with child,  I was excited to share all of my passions with my baby.  I kept on biking, hula hooping, camping, traveling, and going to concerts. I also joined a prenatal yoga studio called Blooma in Minneapolis which was the best thing I ever did for myself. All of these joys came to a sudden stop after I encountered some bleeding episodes with placenta previa and strict bed rest set in.  At least I could integrate all of the yoga skills I learned into my motionless self.  Not the poses, but the breathing, relaxation, focus, and determination; and being a warrior goddess mama!

For being such an active person, bed rest was an incredible challenge. (Little did I know that more challenges were just ahead.) To not even cook my own meal or take my dog for a walk was difficult for me.  But I knew this was temporary and the goal was to keep this precious baby in the womb as long as possible. I did my darnedest to keep her there.  She had other plans.

On October, 7th at 29 weeks pregnant, I had my third ultrasound to check on babies growth and placenta previa status.  I had already been admitted to the hospital twice for bleeding and onset of early labor so I was being closely watched.  Baby looked good.  However, placenta previa was still present and baby was breech.  So I headed home to continue lounging around.  It was a beautiful sunny day and I laid outside to read my book.  At 3pm my water broke. I froze. There is no way that it could be happening,  I had 11 weeks to go!

It did happen. I called my wonderful husband right away, a friend to come get our dog, and within 1/2 hour we were on our way to the hospital... for the third time. But this time I knew I wasn't going home until baby was here. Did I have any bags packed? No.  Did we attend birthing classes? No, they were a couple weeks out.  Was the nursery finished?  Not even started.  But it didn't matter.  There were much bigger matters... Life.

We tried to postpone labor as long as possible. The doctor said there was even a chance we could hold off for up to 4-6 weeks while being monitored 24/7 in the hospital.  But my body didn't agree and labor slowly progressed through the night.  By early morning, we scheduled a Cesarean section to get baby here safely.  But as we were scheduling it, babies heart rate dropped, and there was a medical team in my room so fast I barley had time to sign the papers. It was an emergency.  I was terrified. This was not in my birth plan.  It was all too soon. Was my baby safe?  Millions of thoughts and questions were floating around me. I had absolutely no control.  I needed to trust the team of doctors and nurses to take care of me and my baby.  And that is just what they did.

Norah Louise was born at 6:18am on October 8, 2013 weighing 2lbs 14 oz. and 16 inches long. She was 2 1/2 months early, but ready to be part of this world. Her name fits her perfectly. She is a shining light and a warrior as she grows healthy and strong in the hospital.  It was quite the road to get her here, both gruesome and beautiful at the same time. I am still shocked by the process as I recover from surgery and my life as a mother is in full force. If I am blessed enough to have another child, I am hopeful that my dream of a natural birth will happen.  But for some reason, for this amazing baby, the birth process unfolded in an unexpected journey that has shown me strength and courage that was hidden deep within.

The hospital has been my second home for the past few months. I have come to accept that and I am more grateful than I ever thought I would be for modern medicine.  It is now more than ever that those yoga skills come in handy!  The route we took to get her here may have not been ideal, planned, or anything at all that I hoped for.  But the end outcome is just the same.  A beautiful healthy baby.

Growing Baby
Photo by Charity Benedict @ NICU Children's Hospital